Grief dreams: what research shows and when to seek support

The short answer

Dream interpretation is not prediction and not diagnosis. This article separates what sleep research observes from what popular interpretation associates with the theme, always saying which is which.

Dreaming about someone who died is one of the most common experiences of grief. It is not a sign that something bad is about to happen, nor that the person is suffering, nor that you did something wrong. In studies with bereaved people, most of these dreams are pleasant or mix comfort and sadness; only a few are purely distressing. Many people say the dream helped them accept the loss.

The dreams that hurt are part of it too: reliving the illness, searching for the person and not finding them. They deserve attention when they keep coming back or take away your sleep, and the last part of this guide says where to look for support. Each figure has its own article, such as dreaming about your late mother and dreaming about your late father.

Read also: Dreaming about someone who has died and Dreaming about death.

The most common dreams after a loss

If the scene revolved around the goodbye, the wake or the grave, see dreaming about a farewell, dreaming about a funeral or a coffin and dreaming about a cemetery.

What studies observe

Comforting dreams are the majority. Wright and colleagues surveyed 278 bereaved people connected to a hospice care service. More than half (58%) said they dreamed about the person they had lost, mostly with dreams that were pleasant or both pleasant and sad at the same time. The most frequent themes were good memories, the person free of illness, memories of the illness or the time of death, the person at peace in another life, and the person passing on a message. For 60% of participants, the dreams influenced their grief, bringing more acceptance, comfort, spirituality and, sometimes, sadness.

Why some comfort and others distress. Joshua Black and colleagues studied people who had lost a spouse or partner and proposed three functions for these dreams: processing the trauma of the loss, keeping a continuing bond with the person who died, and regulating emotions. The results supported all three. A continuing bond is the idea that the relationship changes shape and goes on in memory and in the values passed down. The study also suggested that how you react after waking influences both how the dream is perceived and the grief itself.

Sources: Wright and colleagues, The impact of dreams of the deceased on bereavement, 2013; Black and colleagues, Comforting versus distressing dreams of the deceased, OMEGA, 2020.

See also: Pregnancy dreams and Dreaming about possession.

And when the dream does not come

Not dreaming about the person you lost does not mean a lack of love. The title of another paper from Black's group already shows what goes into the equation: remembering dreams in general, the intensity of grief, attachment and openness to experience. And dream recall varies a lot: Eichenlaub and colleagues found differences in brain activity between people who remember many dreams and people who remember few.

Some people only start dreaming about the person later. Freud records the observation by the French scientist Yves Delage that, after the death of someone dear, we do not dream about what fills all our thoughts until life begins to make room for other matters. See why we forget dreams and how to remember more.

Sources: Black and colleagues, Who dreams of the deceased?, Dreaming, 2019; Eichenlaub and colleagues, Resting brain activity varies with dream recall frequency, Neuropsychopharmacology, 2014; Freud, Die Traumdeutung, 1900.

Freud, Jung and faith in the face of grief

In Freud's psychoanalysis. In The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud notes that the feeling experienced in a dream belongs to its deepest meaning and escapes the distortion that scrambles the images. In grief, this means the plot may be strange, but the longing, the relief or the guilt you felt are real.

In Jung's psychology. For Jung, the dream tends to compensate for the attitude of waking life. In a phase of exhaustion, a serene visit can balance out days of sadness; in a grief that has not been cried out, a painful dream can bring up what was kept inside.

In symbols and in faith. In the Christian tradition, All Souls' Day, on November 2, is dedicated to prayer for the dead, and in Mexico and in many communities in the US, the Day of the Dead is a time to remember and honor those who are gone. Many people notice that these dreams feel more present around those dates. Jesus says: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). In Spiritism, The Spirits' Book, by Allan Kardec, teaches that during sleep the soul partly frees itself from the body and can meet those who have passed on; this is a belief of the doctrine, without scientific proof.

Bringing the two readings together. Research shows that these dreams often help people get through a loss; faith offers the hope of meeting again. One does not need to erase the other.

Sources: Freud, Die Traumdeutung, 1900; Jung (ed.), Man and His Symbols; Kardec, The Spirits' Book.

What helps after a dream like this

• Write it down when you wake up: what the person said and what you felt. A dream journal shows how these encounters change over time.
• Tell someone: talking about the dream with a relative or a friend usually brings relief and opens up conversations about the person.
• Look for what the dream brought you: since your reaction on waking matters, it is worth asking what good it left behind, even when it was sad.
• Take care around the dates: birthdays, anniversaries, All Souls' Day and the Day of the Dead stir up memories. Visiting the grave, lighting a candle, setting up a small altar or praying are gestures many families turn to.

If your question is about your own death or the death of someone who is alive in the dream, see dreaming about your own death and dreaming about a relative dying. Grief for an animal also shows up at night: dreaming about a pet that died.

When grief calls for support

Crying when you wake up after these dreams is part of grief. It is worth seeking help when the dreams almost always replay the illness or the death, when you start to be afraid of going to sleep, or when sadness and guilt keep you from your routine for weeks. A psychologist with experience in grief or another health professional can help. Frequent nightmares can be treated; see how to have fewer nightmares.

If missing the person comes with a wish to disappear or to hurt yourself, do not stay alone with it: talk to someone you trust and look for help today. In the US, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), free and available 24 hours a day. See what dream meanings look like according to science and culture.

Source: Morgenthaler and colleagues, Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 2018.