Dreaming about a lover: what this dream usually reflects

Dreaming about a lover: what usually lies behind it

Dream interpretation is not prediction and not diagnosis. This article separates what sleep research observes from what popular interpretation associates with the theme, always saying which is which.

Dreaming about a lover does not prove infidelity, yours or anyone else's, and it is not a warning that the relationship is about to end. The scene tends to show up when something in love needs attention: insecurity, a heavy routine, distance, jealousy kept to yourself. It can also come from a wish for something new that does not involve another person at all, like the urge to change your life.

The dream also does not say that you "want to cheat". Feeling attraction in a dream is common and does not become a plan because of it. The emotion you wake up with counts more than the plot.

Read also: Dreaming about being cheated on and Dreaming about your husband cheating.

Why a lover shows up in the dream

The continuity hypothesis, tested by Michael Schredl and Friedrich Hofmann in 2003, holds that dreams follow what occupies waking life. The lover arrives by ordinary paths: a TV series with a love triangle, a story a friend told you, a couple's fight that was never settled, a coworker who caught your eye.

And the dream can weigh on the next day. In a study published in 2014, Dylan Selterman and colleagues asked people in relationships to write down their dreams. Those who dreamed about their partner being unfaithful reported, the following day, more conflict and less sense of closeness, even though nothing had actually happened. It is worth remembering this before demanding explanations for a scene that only existed at night.

Sources: Schredl and Hofmann, Continuity between waking activities and dream activities, Consciousness and Cognition, 2003; Selterman and colleagues, Dreaming of You, Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2014.

The most common versions of the lover dream

If the lover in the dream was someone from the past, read also dreaming about your ex; if the scene was just a kiss, dreaming about a kiss.

See also: Dreaming about your late mother and Dreaming about saying goodbye.

When it is worth talking to someone

A single dream about a lover does not call for any action. It deserves attention when it repeats, turns into a nightmare and leaves you chewing on suspicion for days. Jealousy that leads you to check a phone or to fight with no concrete reason is worth talking through with a psychologist, alone or as a couple. Frequent nightmares can also be treated; see how to have fewer nightmares.

If the relationship involves fear, control or aggression, seek support: in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential help, and in immediate danger you should call 911.

Source: Morgenthaler and colleagues, Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 2018.

The lover in dreams according to Freud, Jung and faith

In Freud's psychoanalysis. In The Interpretation of Dreams, Freud tells the dream of a patient who was struggling to climb a steep slope. The scene reminded him of the opening of Sapho, by Alphonse Daudet, in which a young man carries his mistress up a staircase: light at first, heavier and heavier as he goes. The analysis linked the dream to a lover the patient had left shortly before, disguised as the weight of the climb.

In Jung's psychology. Man and His Symbols describes the anima and the animus, images of the other sex that live inside each person and appear in dreams as fascinating figures. In that reading, the unknown lover may represent qualities the person does not yet recognize in themselves, and not a literal desire for someone.

In symbols and faith. In A Dictionary of Symbols, Chevalier and Gheerbrant treat love, starting from Eros, as a force that seeks union and goes astray when it becomes mere possession. The Bible tells the story of David and Bathsheba and the parable with which the prophet Nathan led the king to recognize his wrong (2 Samuel 11 and 12), and the Song of Songs says that love is strong as death (Song of Songs 8:6).

Bringing both readings together. Research shows that a dream about infidelity affects the mood of the following day. Psychoanalysis and faith ask what is missing, what weighs on you and what needs to be said. Talking about the feeling, without treating the dream as evidence, usually helps.

Sources: Freud, Die Traumdeutung, 1900; Jung (ed.), Man and His Symbols; Chevalier and Gheerbrant, A Dictionary of Symbols.

The lover in dream books

In O Livro dos Sonhos, a Brazilian dream book, L. P. Baçan records the lover with the distrust typical of the genre: in life, disagreements; in love, separation. It is a reading from tradition.

Freud called this way of reading the decoding method: each image becomes a fixed meaning, as in a key, without asking the dreamer anything. The lover of someone going through a jealousy crisis and the lover of someone who just watched a romantic movie are not talking about the same thing.

Sources: Freud, Die Traumdeutung, 1900; L. P. Baçan, O Livro dos Sonhos, 2014.

What folk belief associates with dreaming about a lover

In Brazilian folk reading, dreaming that you have a lover is a sign that the relationship needs something new; finding out about your partner's lover, a sign of gossip nearby; being the lover, a sign of someone who keeps a secret. A handsome, affectionate lover speaks of high self-esteem, and a lover who leaves, of a phase of doubt coming to an end. Red clothes at the meeting suggest passion. These are readings from tradition, for reflection, not predictions. See what dream meanings look like according to science and culture.